Today is our anniversary, and I really just wanna be with her and ignore everyone and everything.

Its funny how something can eat you away only because you don't want / don't know how to deal with it..but then when the time finally comes, that moment you have been dreading for what feels like your whole life, it doesn't seem that bad. You wonder why you made such a big deal over doing it because everything turned out okay and you just wish you had solved it sooner. That happens to me really often, and it causes nothing but stress and pain. I have to change that. I need to learn to be less afraid and deal with things whether or not its easy cause avoiding everything just makes it worse.

That's what happened with Steph. I made such a big deal over liking her, and it was a big deal. I had never had the guts to tell her I liked loved her more than a friend (I had no idea she loved me too), so when she told me she loved me (in that way), I was happy, but that didn't last too long. Being with her would've made me the happiest ever but a lot of things/people were against us & dating your very best friend is like suicide sometimes, and to make everything worse, Matt was still in love with her for months after their break up, or so he said anyway. I couldn't get romantically involved with her, so that broke my heart. I was afraid to risk so many things, but mostly I just used to think that at an age like this, a relationship would never work out, and she was just too important too lose. I kept wondering if the choice I had made was the right one and for some reason I didn't think it was. Maybe because that's not what my heart really wanted? I think so.

Brandon was going to ask her out one night, and I remember how shitty I felt when I found out. I couldn't get over the fact that she might be someone else's when I had never even had a chance with her. I had had enough of hearing Matt about how much he loved her and other stuff I didnt't really want to think about. Not even now. And most of all, I had had enough of seeing them together, mostly because I knew she wasn't happy... so when they broke up I was happy for myself but sad for my best friend. I couldn't let that happen again, I didn't want go through that again. I was also so sick of using other girls to get over her. It just wasn't working, cause my heart was hers. She was the only reason it kept beating.

After knowing what Brandon had been up to, I went to her home the next night, and I was waiting for her. When she finally came, I asked her if we could talk and she nodded and said "kay".

We went down to the park. We swang on the swings until the sunset, And then I walked her down to the lake. She sat on a rock, while I went to go get my stuff from my car. I got my guitar out of its case and before playing, I told her to look at the moon reflecting on the water next to us, and then I told her that it wasn't nearly as beautiful as her reflection.

I sang her the song "Soundtrack for our movie" by Mae on the guitar. She cried, and at first I didn't know she was crying. She looked so beautiful to me that I didn't notice her tears.

We moved off the few rocks that were right on the water's edge and rested in the grass, staring up at the stars. We shared our souls down there. We were confused, messed up.. wishing that life wasn't as confused and messed up. We were scared of the future, we were hurt from the past, and we were too afraid to live in the present. We told our hopes, our worries, our dreams.. our feelings. everything. but I never asked her about Brandon. Not once. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear the answer. It was like she could read my mind though, because she just blurted out "I said no. (pause) to Brandon". I felt so relieved. My heart wasn't breaking anymore.

And then I walked her home because we didn't want to get in the car. During the whole time there was a battle going on in my head. I wasn't sure if I could kiss her. Its like when you kiss for the first time. You like that person so much and you wanna kiss them so bad, but you're scared that you're not going to be good at it, but this time I wasn't scared that I wasn't going to be good at it, just scared of her pulling away cause maybe it was too soon, so I felt just like I did back in 5th grade when I had my first real kiss. I kept thinking what was the worst that could happen if I kissed her and that would've been her pulling away and telling me to get lost, so maybe I wanted to hear that too if it was the truth, because then I'd know where I stood.

I hugged her and when we stopped hugging, I just went for it. She never pulled away. We were so lost in each other in that dark night. Cause it finally happened. That was the first time we kissed....since we found out about our feelings for each other. We had fought our feelings for too long.

After that we kept on seeing each other in secret I guess, since no one really knew about us. She always stayed loyal to me even though she didn't have to since I never asked her out. When I did it wasn't until prom night. Everyone was surprised to see us together at prom, but that didn't matter to us. We were just happy to finally be together around everyone and by the end of the night, I told her I was in love with her in front of pretty much all of our friends, and I asked her out (the song Iris by Goo Goo Dolls came on too, which really fit..and thats still one of our songs). I couldn't believe what I was doing but I'm really glad I did cause I meant everything I said that night, and I guess that was a way of proving to her that I wasn't afraid of people knowing I loved her. I wanted people to know.

I gave my heart to her completely that night, and she still has it. She will always have it.

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